My favorite things

We all know that song we hear around Christmas time a thousand times on the radio. The one that really isn't about Christmas but for some reason it is always dubbed a Christmas song. "Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes..." Why blue? Why can't it be PINK satin sashes. Or PINK velvet sashes....
Girls in LEATHER dresses with PINK velvet sashes

Anyway. So I have a few favorite things as do many people. Mine may be a lot like others and some may be like, "Um, Wha??"

SO the top favorite thing is
1. PINK. Yes, pink. It is the bestest color in the whole wide world. It is a happy color. A color of love a color of flamingos, a color of lips a color of hips... ok. That is weird but it rhymed and if you think about it, hips ARE kind of a pink fleshy color and I like hips because who doesn't. Hips help you walk, hips help you dance, hips help you.. um, well. Enough about hips. PINK. That is where I was going. PINK is a wonderful thing. And I loved it long before Steven Tyler did!
He does explain it well though, and he uses his hips!

2. Sparkles. Sparkles just make my eyes light up. There is NOTHING that doesn't look better if you add sparkles. Hell, even POOP would look better with sparkles and lucky for you if you want to brighten up the toilet, there is now an option for you...

 And you could end up pooping rainbows just like our friends the unicorn!!

3. Sweat pants. Sweat pants are the most amazing creation in the history of clothing EVER. I feel bad for my husband. As soon as I get home from work, the first thing I do is put on my sweatpants. Nothing says, "Hey honey. Wanna make out?" quite like my worn out brownish, green sweatpants that are three sizes too big for me. But putting on my sweatpants is as awesome of a feeling as taking off my bra! (I do that too when I get home from work, so not only do I look like a homeless woman in my sweatpants, but I also look like a braless homeless woman who needs to sleep for about a month!)

4. Goats. Many of you know my obsession with goats. (its not a SICK obsession for those of you who live with their heads in the gutter.) Its a healthy obsession of watching those cute little faces and seeing those adorable little wagging tails and hearing them make those ridiculous noises and seeing them FAINT!!! Goats are just the funniest damn animals ever created by the big man upstairs. He decided that life was going to be serious enough so he threw in these hysterical little creatures who can faint and stick out their tongues and run around like lunatics to make everyone laugh.
if you don't laugh, there is something wrong with you.

and number 5. COFFEE. It is a slight addiction for me. Coffee is the first thing I need to see when I open my eyes. Yeah, I am not one of those moms that says, "I need to snuggle my little angels first thing in the morning before I can function." SCREW YOU! You are a LIAR. I need my coffee before I can even think of speaking to anyone, especially my KIDS! There is just something so magical about waking up to the smell of that coffee-licious aroma and the first sip of the delightfulness called coffee. Coffee is the ONE thing that will never ever be missing from my house. We may be living on plain cooked noodles and peanut butter on bread without even any jelly but I will ALWAYS have a full supply of coffee. Add a lil pumpkin spice to that coffee and I am the happiest woman in the world. If for some crazy, ridiculous and INSANELY DANGEROUS reason I do NOT have my coffee in the morning, steer clear. It will not be a pretty situation. There is no talking. NO smiling and definitely no dealing with life without my coffee.

SO There you have it. My top 5 favorite things that I love. Notice there are no whiskers on kittens or brown paper packages tied up with string...( the only brown paper packages tied up with string I like are the brown paper bags from the liquor store with a cheap bottle of wine in them).

Happy Saturday all!

Girlfriends and Wine = Laughter and Peeing

I have some of the best girlfriends anyone could ask for. A lot of ladies have mommy clubs where they talk about their kids and discuss potential educating experiences they could provide their prodigal children. Other moms have book clubs where they try to make themselves smarter and discuss intense novels and have heated discussions over books that they  read while their little angels were at school and their husbands were hard at work.

Yeah. That's not my reality. When my girlfriends and I get together, it is guaranteed we will laugh until we pee ourselves... Yes, women pee themselves. For real. Especially after popping out a kid or two or four. Generally our conversations start out light. We sip our wine and talk about our kids or our husbands or work. We drink a little more wine and our conversations move to the latest thing we saw posted online. Like this:

Or this:

Then the conversation goes to peeing and pooping habits and whether the door to the bathroom is open or closed in our house when we are doing number 2. (mine is open. Always. Even if I close it, someone feels the need to ask me where their sneakers are regardless of the fact that doing number 2 should truly be a private experience).

As the night goes on and the empty bottles of wine pile up, our conversations go to things that we never ever thought we would share with another human being. "I need to tell you something. It is a secret but I am drunk so I am going to tell you anyway." Private thoughts seem to ooze out of our mouths like that diarrhea that surprises you when you think it is just a little fart. We start to laugh uncontrollably and that's when it happens. Somebody says "STOP, you are gonna make me pee my pants!!" A lot of people say that in times of hard laughter but moms really mean it! It could happen. Just like when we laugh so hard, that fart we have been holding in all night suddenly decides to rear its ugly head and it just happens. Then MORE laughter. Then the pee feeling gets stronger and the next thing you know several women are jumping up from their chairs and running for the bathroom. There is always one who is still laughing and yells, "I DIDN'T MAKE IT!" Then the tears flow and you cannot even control yourself anymore. Those are for real, the best nights ever. When one or more of your friends (or yourself) end up peeing their pants because of laughter.

These truly are the best memories being made. We can all look back at those nights and remember and laugh again and pee our pants again. So if you haven't had a "pee your pants from laughing kind of night" with your girlfriends, you are missing OUT!!

Because today I need to laugh more than normal...

I need to laugh. It has been a depressing day. Spent an hour on the phone with the blessed insurance company arguing with them. But that is nothing to laugh about.

WHILE I was sitting on hold for what felt like an entire lifetime, waiting for another robot sounding "human" to come on the phone, I was watching my cat laying in the sun on our deck. She looked so adorbs just looking at me and rolling around. I watched her as she licked her paw and then rubbed her head as she gave herself a bath. I thought, "AW. How precious." Then, it became not so precious. WHY? Why must the cat always decide it's time to clean DOWN THERE when someone is looking??? She was so cute and cuddly and I just wanted to swoop her up and snuggle her and then the leg went up in the air in a position that does not look to be comfortable, like some sort of Olympic gymnast doing a floor routine in her awkward leotard flashing her hooo haaa for the world to see and I immediately felt nauseated.

So I figured there HAS to be some sort of funny video of a cat cleaning themselves to make this situation less awkward.... I found this. Someone actually posted this on youtube and it is seriously 8 minutes long. It's not funny. It's disturbing. Don't watch for 8 minutes. I did and I will never get that 8 minutes of my life back just as the person who wasted 8 minutes making this video won't.

Really?? 8 minutes. I was bored after 5 seconds

Yeah. Really.

So then I found this. Short. Kinda funny depending on your mood.

quick and giggly

As I looked for videos, I quickly forgot about my disgusting and filthy cat laying in front of me licking her THANG and being all proud and sassy about it. Thank you UNICORNS that people cannot do this. Can you even imagine this? Try. Sitting in Starbucks, sipping my venti skinny vanilla latte and the barista just goes full out in a split and starts cleansing her "area" after she cleans the foam off the mocha maker. YIKES! Thank you for not doing this people. Please don't follow your cats lead anytime in the near future.

Just in case you are curious

ICK

So, I have been feeling miserable the last couple of days. Had an ocular migraine hit me on Sunday and every since then I have been a blob of ka-ka. When you are sick it is tough to laugh. I try though, just to do something other than mope. The last time I was sick I had the dreaded stomach bug. I was paying visit to the porcelain throne but not because I was puking, if you catch my drift. Yes, I'm talking about poop. And not that rainbow unicorn poop. That poop that is like from the movie bridesmaids when they eat at that restaurant.....

LAVA!!!!

SO just when I thought I was in the clear, I did that thing that I told you to do to make you laugh. #1 on the top things to do in front of someone else... fart. THANK you mother of unicorns that poop rainbows, I was alone when I did it. Yep. Wasn't just a fart. For the first time in my life I Poughkeepsied in my pants.

Never drink the water in Mexico

At first, I was mortified, looking around my empty house to ensure that really I was home alone. Eyeing up the dogs with looks of death, mumbling to them if they breathe a word of this to even the cat I will withhold their Milkbone treats for at least a month. Then the reality of what had just happened set in. I pooped my pants. I am 38 years-old and I pooped my pants. Oh the tears of laughter. I texted my husband to tell him (because that is what wives do right? No? Just me?) well, he enjoyed it immensely I am sure. I swear I could hear through the text his belly laughs. I made him swear not to tell, but I am sure within five minutes every one of his coworkers knew. AND here I am, telling all for the world to see. Yes, I pooped my pants at 38 years-old and it DID NOT look like the rainbow unicorn poop. Oh if it only had. I would be a millionaire right now because who wouldn't pay money to see a grown woman shat out rainbow poop right????

So next time you are feeling low, watch these videos or think of me. The non-rainbow pooping "non- unicorn" who pooped her pants at 38.

Hello my funny friends!

Everyone needs to laugh. I try to laugh every single day because if I don't then what is life about? My husband makes me laugh, my kids make me laugh, my co-workers make me laugh, people just passing by make me laugh sometimes because I think to myself, "Really? Is that really what you chose to wear today?" So here is my starting list of ways to laugh every day.

1. Fart. Out loud. In front of someone. Not only will THEY laugh but so will you because you will be like, "Oh my gosh. I just farted in front of another human being instead of my car, my bathroom, my bedroom, etc."

2. Wear your shirt inside out. When people look at you funny, you will laugh because they will think you are crazy or that you don't even know it but deep down, you will know you did it on purpose just to see their response. A laugh a minute especially if you just walk around town like that for an hour.

3. Watch a goat video online. For real. There are so many goat videos out there that you could die laughing every day for a year and watch a different video every day. Here is one to get you started...

Goat + Tongue = LAUGHTER

4. Walk around a Walmart in your area. Not only are the BEST outfits there but also you will see types of people that you never knew existed. While I loathe shopping there, I have no problem walking around and people observing and walking out with only a Kit Kat in hand.

5. And last but not least, just smile. Smiling makes all of the muscles in your body relax. Smile and think of something funny that happened at any point in your life (or just that goat video you just watched) and you will laugh. Some of my best laughing happened when I thought of funny things that have happened to me (or others). See... Laughing right now thinking about the time my co-worker put dawn dish soap in the dishwasher at work and I walked in to bubbles allllll over the break room floor and she is standing there with a mop (in the dishwasher) trying to clean it all up.

Laughter is seriously the best medicine. Until next time....