Girlfriends and Wine = Laughter and Peeing

I have some of the best girlfriends anyone could ask for. A lot of ladies have mommy clubs where they talk about their kids and discuss potential educating experiences they could provide their prodigal children. Other moms have book clubs where they try to make themselves smarter and discuss intense novels and have heated discussions over books that they  read while their little angels were at school and their husbands were hard at work.

Yeah. That's not my reality. When my girlfriends and I get together, it is guaranteed we will laugh until we pee ourselves... Yes, women pee themselves. For real. Especially after popping out a kid or two or four. Generally our conversations start out light. We sip our wine and talk about our kids or our husbands or work. We drink a little more wine and our conversations move to the latest thing we saw posted online. Like this:

Or this:

Then the conversation goes to peeing and pooping habits and whether the door to the bathroom is open or closed in our house when we are doing number 2. (mine is open. Always. Even if I close it, someone feels the need to ask me where their sneakers are regardless of the fact that doing number 2 should truly be a private experience).

As the night goes on and the empty bottles of wine pile up, our conversations go to things that we never ever thought we would share with another human being. "I need to tell you something. It is a secret but I am drunk so I am going to tell you anyway." Private thoughts seem to ooze out of our mouths like that diarrhea that surprises you when you think it is just a little fart. We start to laugh uncontrollably and that's when it happens. Somebody says "STOP, you are gonna make me pee my pants!!" A lot of people say that in times of hard laughter but moms really mean it! It could happen. Just like when we laugh so hard, that fart we have been holding in all night suddenly decides to rear its ugly head and it just happens. Then MORE laughter. Then the pee feeling gets stronger and the next thing you know several women are jumping up from their chairs and running for the bathroom. There is always one who is still laughing and yells, "I DIDN'T MAKE IT!" Then the tears flow and you cannot even control yourself anymore. Those are for real, the best nights ever. When one or more of your friends (or yourself) end up peeing their pants because of laughter.

These truly are the best memories being made. We can all look back at those nights and remember and laugh again and pee our pants again. So if you haven't had a "pee your pants from laughing kind of night" with your girlfriends, you are missing OUT!!

Because today I need to laugh more than normal...

I need to laugh. It has been a depressing day. Spent an hour on the phone with the blessed insurance company arguing with them. But that is nothing to laugh about.

WHILE I was sitting on hold for what felt like an entire lifetime, waiting for another robot sounding "human" to come on the phone, I was watching my cat laying in the sun on our deck. She looked so adorbs just looking at me and rolling around. I watched her as she licked her paw and then rubbed her head as she gave herself a bath. I thought, "AW. How precious." Then, it became not so precious. WHY? Why must the cat always decide it's time to clean DOWN THERE when someone is looking??? She was so cute and cuddly and I just wanted to swoop her up and snuggle her and then the leg went up in the air in a position that does not look to be comfortable, like some sort of Olympic gymnast doing a floor routine in her awkward leotard flashing her hooo haaa for the world to see and I immediately felt nauseated.

So I figured there HAS to be some sort of funny video of a cat cleaning themselves to make this situation less awkward.... I found this. Someone actually posted this on youtube and it is seriously 8 minutes long. It's not funny. It's disturbing. Don't watch for 8 minutes. I did and I will never get that 8 minutes of my life back just as the person who wasted 8 minutes making this video won't.

Really?? 8 minutes. I was bored after 5 seconds

Yeah. Really.

So then I found this. Short. Kinda funny depending on your mood.

quick and giggly

As I looked for videos, I quickly forgot about my disgusting and filthy cat laying in front of me licking her THANG and being all proud and sassy about it. Thank you UNICORNS that people cannot do this. Can you even imagine this? Try. Sitting in Starbucks, sipping my venti skinny vanilla latte and the barista just goes full out in a split and starts cleansing her "area" after she cleans the foam off the mocha maker. YIKES! Thank you for not doing this people. Please don't follow your cats lead anytime in the near future.

Just in case you are curious

ICK

So, I have been feeling miserable the last couple of days. Had an ocular migraine hit me on Sunday and every since then I have been a blob of ka-ka. When you are sick it is tough to laugh. I try though, just to do something other than mope. The last time I was sick I had the dreaded stomach bug. I was paying visit to the porcelain throne but not because I was puking, if you catch my drift. Yes, I'm talking about poop. And not that rainbow unicorn poop. That poop that is like from the movie bridesmaids when they eat at that restaurant.....

LAVA!!!!

SO just when I thought I was in the clear, I did that thing that I told you to do to make you laugh. #1 on the top things to do in front of someone else... fart. THANK you mother of unicorns that poop rainbows, I was alone when I did it. Yep. Wasn't just a fart. For the first time in my life I Poughkeepsied in my pants.

Never drink the water in Mexico

At first, I was mortified, looking around my empty house to ensure that really I was home alone. Eyeing up the dogs with looks of death, mumbling to them if they breathe a word of this to even the cat I will withhold their Milkbone treats for at least a month. Then the reality of what had just happened set in. I pooped my pants. I am 38 years-old and I pooped my pants. Oh the tears of laughter. I texted my husband to tell him (because that is what wives do right? No? Just me?) well, he enjoyed it immensely I am sure. I swear I could hear through the text his belly laughs. I made him swear not to tell, but I am sure within five minutes every one of his coworkers knew. AND here I am, telling all for the world to see. Yes, I pooped my pants at 38 years-old and it DID NOT look like the rainbow unicorn poop. Oh if it only had. I would be a millionaire right now because who wouldn't pay money to see a grown woman shat out rainbow poop right????

So next time you are feeling low, watch these videos or think of me. The non-rainbow pooping "non- unicorn" who pooped her pants at 38.