WTF moments

            I FINALLY remembered my password for my blog!! Hallelujah! I had so much fun on this blog before so I am REALLY going to try to keep it up. I have had so many WTF moments lately that I am seriously thinking I am losing it. Like, I go to town for something specific and I come home with a bunch of stuff and that one thing I needed, I didn't get. WTF? We all have those WTF moments right? I probably say it out loud a little too often but sometimes it just slips out. Like diarrhea of the mouth. I guess that is part of getting old. No filter.

           I wish I had written down all the WTF moments in my life. I probably could have had a best seller by now. Like the time this lady was walking around with baby birds in her purse because she rescued them and was going to raise them. In. Her. Purse. No lie. I thought WTF. Didn't say it until after she left. Another time, when this orange guy was elected president. That was more of a WTAF moment. I actually said THAT out loud. I saw Elvis one day leaving Dunkin Donuts and getting into his 18 wheeler. I was like, WTF, that's where Elvis has been all this time!

My favorite thing to shout WTF about are infomercials. WHO WRITES THIS SHIT AND MAKES MONEY FOR IT??? Take a look and tell me you don't think WTF?

REALLY? I dare you not to say WTF

            I try to censor my WTF moments but for real, I just can't some times. I actually feel better after I say it. Like a cleanse. I have a potty mouth. I know I do. I will never be one of those people who say "oh gosh darn it." I just won't.

Have a great day, All!!! Talk to you soon!

Lists

        My brain is just not right. I know I know, it hasn't been in quite some time but I know there is one in there after five thousand MRI's and CT scans during my brain surgery days but lately it is just fried. I am FINALLY done with school and all I can do is sit on the couch and stare at the TV. Really. There is nothing good even ON TV but I sit there and stare at it nonetheless.
        How does one recover from 5 years of nonstop studying? I've been trying to figure this out for the last month. I've decided I need to make a list. A list of things I need to do and I list of things I want to do and each day I can do one thing off each list. First I have to decide what to put on the list though. I have never been one for lists. I rarely even make grocery lists and when I do I NEVER stick with just what is on the list. If I did, I would never have cookies or ice cream in my house. So I decided to see what other people put in their lists.

This one would be a blast but this isn't quite the productive list idea I had in mind. I may need to make a third list like this one though just to have "need to laugh" list. #6 would be too funny but only if you have a sidekick to record the reaction of the people in the store once you run out!

This list is very much like the list I have in my head currently. It needs a little help but I think it is close to what I am looking for.

Ok. Ok. That doesn't really fix my brain issue I am having at the moment but whenever I see a nap on a list I think it is likely one of the best lists I have ever seen and someone very smart must have written it so I should really do as they say....

And then there was this. This is a beautiful list. A very adult like list that I think many of you may find you need after seeing it.

This list is lovely. I can eat cheesecake and drink wine at the same time which is simultaneously checking off two things on the list. See, already getting better with my brain. Killing two birds with one stone.

Do you make lists? If you do, what do you put on them AND the bigger question is, do you actually complete any list? I guess there is only one way to find out if I am a list kinda girl. I need to just do it. Sit down, make the list (or two or three lists) and try to tackle something other than the pillows in my bed as I fall into them like they are heavenly clouds.

Until next time ya'll. Keep on listin' on!

I'm BAAAAACCCKKKK

It's been a very long time since I wrote on my blog. My life has been complete chaos for the past couple of months. I finally managed to finish my degree and graduated after nearly five years of being mom, employee, wife and student all at the same time. Was SO relieved that it was over and what happens? I get jury duty.

First Monday after I hit the last submit button for my class, I walk into the courtroom thinking it was going to be a quick day as a juror and WHAM. Criminal case that I spent 8 very long days of my life that I will never get back. Normally this wouldn't be horrible but it happened to be the week and a half right before Christmas. Can you say stress much? The case was horrible and I won't say anything about it because it was no laughing matter but I can say something that will make you laugh. When we were sitting in the courtroom waiting for the next witness or waiting for the 500th sidebar to be over, all I could think was WHERE THE HELL IS OLIVIA BENSON??? Why isn't she running into the courtroom with a piece of paper in her hand telling the judge to hold up because she has NEW and INCRIMINATING evidence that will blow this case WIDE OPEN?? I waited. Every time that door opened, I held my breath waiting to see who it was going to be but alas, she never showed. I just love her. Mariska Hargatay or some crazy name like that. Its just Olivia Benson. If I ever meet her I will call her Olivia Benson because that name suits her better than that other name I cannot spell or pronounce.

I just love her. She is just so bad ass. I want to be her some day.
The other day I had a very down day and by down I don't mean sad, I mean like I never got off the couch, got a shower, brushed my hair or my teeth. It was like my body finally crashed after school, court, holidays finally ended. And what to my wondering eyes did appear but an SVU marathon on the USA Network! Thank you unicorns that poop! I spent my day with Liv. Yeah, we are BFF's like that. She calls me Jaim, I call her Liv. Anyway, so there I sat. My fat ass leaving a mark in the recliner. I almost developed a bedsore from sitting so long. My TV even told me I had been watching too long by threatening to shut off because I hadn't changed the channel in HOURS.
Someone recorded me watching hours of SVU

I seriously think I have a problem although in my defense, I DID try to change the channel at 8 'clock just to see if anything better was on TV (like that is even possible) but my husband quickly yelled at me and was like "There is nothing better than SVU so why would you even look!?" Yeah, he's got it bad for Liv, too.

So if you ever need a day like I had, I recommend finding an SVU marathon and just staying put. My only recommendations would be to brush your teeth, and occasionally shift the weight of your ass cheek from one to the other so as to avoid a very sore left ass cheek at the end of the day. If you need a little Olivia before then, here ya go...
i heart olivia benson

Hugs, All! Will talk to you sooner than later!!

My favorite things

We all know that song we hear around Christmas time a thousand times on the radio. The one that really isn't about Christmas but for some reason it is always dubbed a Christmas song. "Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes..." Why blue? Why can't it be PINK satin sashes. Or PINK velvet sashes....
Girls in LEATHER dresses with PINK velvet sashes

Anyway. So I have a few favorite things as do many people. Mine may be a lot like others and some may be like, "Um, Wha??"

SO the top favorite thing is
1. PINK. Yes, pink. It is the bestest color in the whole wide world. It is a happy color. A color of love a color of flamingos, a color of lips a color of hips... ok. That is weird but it rhymed and if you think about it, hips ARE kind of a pink fleshy color and I like hips because who doesn't. Hips help you walk, hips help you dance, hips help you.. um, well. Enough about hips. PINK. That is where I was going. PINK is a wonderful thing. And I loved it long before Steven Tyler did!
He does explain it well though, and he uses his hips!

2. Sparkles. Sparkles just make my eyes light up. There is NOTHING that doesn't look better if you add sparkles. Hell, even POOP would look better with sparkles and lucky for you if you want to brighten up the toilet, there is now an option for you...

 And you could end up pooping rainbows just like our friends the unicorn!!

3. Sweat pants. Sweat pants are the most amazing creation in the history of clothing EVER. I feel bad for my husband. As soon as I get home from work, the first thing I do is put on my sweatpants. Nothing says, "Hey honey. Wanna make out?" quite like my worn out brownish, green sweatpants that are three sizes too big for me. But putting on my sweatpants is as awesome of a feeling as taking off my bra! (I do that too when I get home from work, so not only do I look like a homeless woman in my sweatpants, but I also look like a braless homeless woman who needs to sleep for about a month!)

4. Goats. Many of you know my obsession with goats. (its not a SICK obsession for those of you who live with their heads in the gutter.) Its a healthy obsession of watching those cute little faces and seeing those adorable little wagging tails and hearing them make those ridiculous noises and seeing them FAINT!!! Goats are just the funniest damn animals ever created by the big man upstairs. He decided that life was going to be serious enough so he threw in these hysterical little creatures who can faint and stick out their tongues and run around like lunatics to make everyone laugh.
if you don't laugh, there is something wrong with you.

and number 5. COFFEE. It is a slight addiction for me. Coffee is the first thing I need to see when I open my eyes. Yeah, I am not one of those moms that says, "I need to snuggle my little angels first thing in the morning before I can function." SCREW YOU! You are a LIAR. I need my coffee before I can even think of speaking to anyone, especially my KIDS! There is just something so magical about waking up to the smell of that coffee-licious aroma and the first sip of the delightfulness called coffee. Coffee is the ONE thing that will never ever be missing from my house. We may be living on plain cooked noodles and peanut butter on bread without even any jelly but I will ALWAYS have a full supply of coffee. Add a lil pumpkin spice to that coffee and I am the happiest woman in the world. If for some crazy, ridiculous and INSANELY DANGEROUS reason I do NOT have my coffee in the morning, steer clear. It will not be a pretty situation. There is no talking. NO smiling and definitely no dealing with life without my coffee.

SO There you have it. My top 5 favorite things that I love. Notice there are no whiskers on kittens or brown paper packages tied up with string...( the only brown paper packages tied up with string I like are the brown paper bags from the liquor store with a cheap bottle of wine in them).

Happy Saturday all!

Girlfriends and Wine = Laughter and Peeing

I have some of the best girlfriends anyone could ask for. A lot of ladies have mommy clubs where they talk about their kids and discuss potential educating experiences they could provide their prodigal children. Other moms have book clubs where they try to make themselves smarter and discuss intense novels and have heated discussions over books that they  read while their little angels were at school and their husbands were hard at work.

Yeah. That's not my reality. When my girlfriends and I get together, it is guaranteed we will laugh until we pee ourselves... Yes, women pee themselves. For real. Especially after popping out a kid or two or four. Generally our conversations start out light. We sip our wine and talk about our kids or our husbands or work. We drink a little more wine and our conversations move to the latest thing we saw posted online. Like this:

Or this:

Then the conversation goes to peeing and pooping habits and whether the door to the bathroom is open or closed in our house when we are doing number 2. (mine is open. Always. Even if I close it, someone feels the need to ask me where their sneakers are regardless of the fact that doing number 2 should truly be a private experience).

As the night goes on and the empty bottles of wine pile up, our conversations go to things that we never ever thought we would share with another human being. "I need to tell you something. It is a secret but I am drunk so I am going to tell you anyway." Private thoughts seem to ooze out of our mouths like that diarrhea that surprises you when you think it is just a little fart. We start to laugh uncontrollably and that's when it happens. Somebody says "STOP, you are gonna make me pee my pants!!" A lot of people say that in times of hard laughter but moms really mean it! It could happen. Just like when we laugh so hard, that fart we have been holding in all night suddenly decides to rear its ugly head and it just happens. Then MORE laughter. Then the pee feeling gets stronger and the next thing you know several women are jumping up from their chairs and running for the bathroom. There is always one who is still laughing and yells, "I DIDN'T MAKE IT!" Then the tears flow and you cannot even control yourself anymore. Those are for real, the best nights ever. When one or more of your friends (or yourself) end up peeing their pants because of laughter.

These truly are the best memories being made. We can all look back at those nights and remember and laugh again and pee our pants again. So if you haven't had a "pee your pants from laughing kind of night" with your girlfriends, you are missing OUT!!

Because today I need to laugh more than normal...

I need to laugh. It has been a depressing day. Spent an hour on the phone with the blessed insurance company arguing with them. But that is nothing to laugh about.

WHILE I was sitting on hold for what felt like an entire lifetime, waiting for another robot sounding "human" to come on the phone, I was watching my cat laying in the sun on our deck. She looked so adorbs just looking at me and rolling around. I watched her as she licked her paw and then rubbed her head as she gave herself a bath. I thought, "AW. How precious." Then, it became not so precious. WHY? Why must the cat always decide it's time to clean DOWN THERE when someone is looking??? She was so cute and cuddly and I just wanted to swoop her up and snuggle her and then the leg went up in the air in a position that does not look to be comfortable, like some sort of Olympic gymnast doing a floor routine in her awkward leotard flashing her hooo haaa for the world to see and I immediately felt nauseated.

So I figured there HAS to be some sort of funny video of a cat cleaning themselves to make this situation less awkward.... I found this. Someone actually posted this on youtube and it is seriously 8 minutes long. It's not funny. It's disturbing. Don't watch for 8 minutes. I did and I will never get that 8 minutes of my life back just as the person who wasted 8 minutes making this video won't.

Really?? 8 minutes. I was bored after 5 seconds

Yeah. Really.

So then I found this. Short. Kinda funny depending on your mood.

quick and giggly

As I looked for videos, I quickly forgot about my disgusting and filthy cat laying in front of me licking her THANG and being all proud and sassy about it. Thank you UNICORNS that people cannot do this. Can you even imagine this? Try. Sitting in Starbucks, sipping my venti skinny vanilla latte and the barista just goes full out in a split and starts cleansing her "area" after she cleans the foam off the mocha maker. YIKES! Thank you for not doing this people. Please don't follow your cats lead anytime in the near future.

Just in case you are curious

ICK

So, I have been feeling miserable the last couple of days. Had an ocular migraine hit me on Sunday and every since then I have been a blob of ka-ka. When you are sick it is tough to laugh. I try though, just to do something other than mope. The last time I was sick I had the dreaded stomach bug. I was paying visit to the porcelain throne but not because I was puking, if you catch my drift. Yes, I'm talking about poop. And not that rainbow unicorn poop. That poop that is like from the movie bridesmaids when they eat at that restaurant.....

LAVA!!!!

SO just when I thought I was in the clear, I did that thing that I told you to do to make you laugh. #1 on the top things to do in front of someone else... fart. THANK you mother of unicorns that poop rainbows, I was alone when I did it. Yep. Wasn't just a fart. For the first time in my life I Poughkeepsied in my pants.

Never drink the water in Mexico

At first, I was mortified, looking around my empty house to ensure that really I was home alone. Eyeing up the dogs with looks of death, mumbling to them if they breathe a word of this to even the cat I will withhold their Milkbone treats for at least a month. Then the reality of what had just happened set in. I pooped my pants. I am 38 years-old and I pooped my pants. Oh the tears of laughter. I texted my husband to tell him (because that is what wives do right? No? Just me?) well, he enjoyed it immensely I am sure. I swear I could hear through the text his belly laughs. I made him swear not to tell, but I am sure within five minutes every one of his coworkers knew. AND here I am, telling all for the world to see. Yes, I pooped my pants at 38 years-old and it DID NOT look like the rainbow unicorn poop. Oh if it only had. I would be a millionaire right now because who wouldn't pay money to see a grown woman shat out rainbow poop right????

So next time you are feeling low, watch these videos or think of me. The non-rainbow pooping "non- unicorn" who pooped her pants at 38.